step by step

so i've got a sweet little garden, all to myself. i call it a "garden" because i live in england and that's what we call the space outside the back of our flats, regardless of whether or not it actually has grass in it. luckily, mine does.

don't ask me why, but i get SUPER worked up every time mom and dad open up the door to let me out there. i'm LITERALLY programmed to hear the tingle the keys make, and no matter where i am in the flat, i'm booking it to the door. i just can't WAIT to check out the new smells and scare off any sneaky birds or squirrels who are up in my space. also, i have to pee.

i guess the rents don't like all the racket i make for this daily event, because they've clearly conspired against me and now there's a whole process that goes into letting me out. a PROCESS to be let out to my own darn garden!

because i think you should care, it goes a little something like this:

STEP 1 - PATIENCE

i have a little seat out in the hall with the lure of treats above me and the knowledge of knowing i'll be outside soon coaxing me into sitting quietly and VERY still.


STEP 2 - EAGER BEAVER

i sneak a peak around the corner, bursting at the seams to get out there. i'm SORRY mom - i couldn't take the SUSPENSE.


STEP 3 - REPEAT STEP 1

back in my box. damn.


STEP 4 - LET'S DO THIS!

run as FAST as i can out the door. not a second to waste!


STEP 5 - INVESTIGATE

at this point a lot of huffing and puffing ensues as i'm nose-to-the-ground, smelling every blade of grass for the scent of intruders. and if i find one? it's OVER. (i bark a lot.)


STEP 6 - VICTORIOUS

having peed everywhere so there's no mistake about whose territory this is, i stand on my perch for all to see - tucker, king of this GARDEN!


the end.

you have GOT to be kidding me.

this is how i look at 5AM when the alarm goes off and mom and dad are getting out of bed.

i know right, pretty cute, but if you look closely that glean in my eye is one of disbelief! i'm VERY comfy right now, mom and dad, so if it's okay with you i'm going to sit this one out.

i'd like to go back to sleep after the RUDE interruption, but now they're putting on their running shoes and i can't help but think, walk?! no, no they're going out without me, this is awkward... you go ahead guys, like i said, sitting this one out if it's alright with you.

what feels like seconds later i find myself in a compromising position. mom and dad are looking over me with grins on their faces as i lay there exposed, and now embarrassed. 

red faced under my curls, i then proceed to sneak licks of their red faces while they sit on the rug contorting in strange positions that look far from comfortable. after i've achieved my salt quota for the day i'm about to saunter off back to back to bed, when out comes my leash and i say to myself, watch out world, i'm coming for ya, and i NEED to pee.

today i saw a bear.

pretty hard to miss really, it's not every day i spot bears in my park.

so naturally i just lose it on him. granted, he was a good 30 feet away, but you can't prove i wouldn't have done the same had he been in biting reach. i would have, i WOULD have.

then my favourite thing happened. these humans, who i don't even KNOW, made some really cute crack about how small i am, and how big the bear is. "you're better off letting this one go little buddy, he's a big one!" thanks for that, i hadn't noticed that the bear is pretty big. he just looked like a normal BEAR to me.

jokes on him though - that bear just sulked away cause he KNEW he'd been told.

 that's right bear, and don't come back!